12 – The remaining issues: Abstinence

The word is out. The authorities have spoken. And they waited “till things had cooled down”.

Indeed it has, in the physical space. However, online discussions have thrown up reminiscences of the scenes at Suntec three weeks ago. Despite the steps now taken to tighten the vetting process of sexuality education in schools, issues – still contentious – remain.

While I shall attempt to examine some of them, please note that I am not an authority or an expert in any of these areas. My perspective is that of the layman’s.

Abstinence

In the authority’s statement, “… it was clear that abstinence as the only focus was not an effective strategy in reducing the number of teenage pregnancies and STIs.”

Abstinence comes in many forms. Vegetarians abstain from eating meat (and even some plants which, in the process of being harvested, organisms are destroyed). Some religions abstain from alcohol while there are others which encourage abstinence from eating beef. Monks pursue a life of celibacy and through that (and ideally), they are to abstain from any sexual contact or activity.

So now, what about the concept of “abstinence from sex” being presented to 12-year-olds?

Some religions frown upon it, simply because pre-marital sex or sex outside of marriage is a sin. Moreover, the issue of teenage pregnancies always throws up familial and society problems. Firstly, we have abortions – which are traumatic experiences for young girls psychologically and emotionally. Secondly, it affects families, not least the family of the teenaged girl. Thirdly, if the choice is to keep the baby, a whole host of problems will crop up, including the stigma of having a baby born out of wedlock. I believe these are just tip of the iceberg.

Therefore, there is an argument for abstinence, as a message, to be supported or supplemented by the message of protection. This means that the young person is advised to protect himself or herself when participating in sexual activities. The premise for this is that the kids will experiment anyway before or after they hit puberty. Also, there is no denying that they have sexual desires and will want to find means and ways to satisfy them.

The question is why the message of abstinence alone has not been successful in preventing teenage pregnancies and that a message about protection has to supplement it.

In my opinion, it comes down to the issue of parenting. We don’t like to talk about sex. It is embarrassing to talk about it to our children. Or that we do not know what to say to them. We think of sex as this big ugly monster and that anything to do with it usually leads to the road to sin and hell.

In other words, there are parents who are ill-equipped to teach their children about sex. Therefore, when there is an information vacuum, the kids – on discovering changes to their bodies – will look elsewhere for information and then, viola, they experiment. And as we all know, there are consequences to experimenting. Teenage pregnancies are one of those.

While we drag our feet in confronting the hard issues about sex, we forget the greater need for inculcating in our children the virtues of (a) respecting / loving themselves, (b) respecting / loving their bodies, (c) respecting other people’s bodies, and (d) disciplining their desires. I strongly believe that all four virtues must be fostered in the psyche of children before the real, hard issues about sex are to be discussed at length.

Needless to say, for (d), it applies to other issues. For example, if the child has a desire for a certain item or toy, parents have their own ways of teaching them how certain needs or desires have to be disciplined or managed. The parent may tell the child to wait for his or her birthday or save enough of their pocket money to buy it. The same, I believe, applies to the desires for sugary drinks or foods, and, dare I say it, sexual desires.

Therefore, why has the message on abstinence failed? In my opinion, it is the lack of sound parenting.

When so much debate has been thrown about on aspects of the much-vilified CSE, the crux of it is that some parents are none-the-wiser on the issues of sex and sex education for their children. We assume parents know it all and they have the means to educate their children.

My argument is for parents to be equipped first. My argument is for them to be informed about the issues, the concepts, the moralities, and the approach to sex education for their child. Empowering the parents will go a long way in preventing the consequences of children engaging in sexual experimentation. No doubt it will still happen, but parents should have the confidence to say that they already have done their best during the formative years of their children in inculcating the right attitudes towards sex.

And lest we forget, not many among the generations of parents today have had the privilege of their parents teaching them about sex or through lessons in schools.